Sheepdogs
Sheepdogs need kisses because they are only good at their job (herding sheep) because they probably think that sheep are just other sheepdogs who have haircuts that actually allow them to see where they’re going. So, due to the fact that the sheepdog can barely see – and also maybe…
Gorillas
We owe Gorillas kisses because we have been condescending to them. We teach them sign language even though they aren’t deaf, we only put them in bleak documentaries instead of comedies about their potential careers in Major League Baseball, and we have the nerve to pretend that we aren’t related…
Bullfrogs
Bullfrogs need kisses because they are just frogs – there is nothing bullish about them, and in fact they don’t move very much at all, nevermind going around charging at things. It’s like if you were a captain of industry, but inside you wanted to be an unemployed dirtbag, and…
Great White Sharks
Great White Sharks need kisses because they are like cannibals who are forced into court-ordered anger management. You know the kind, where the counsellors are all like, “If you smiled more, you would not want to eat people all the time.” But they do. And everyone else knows, too, and…
Bearded Dragons
Bearded Dragons need kisses because they are an awesome, evolutionary mystery to the human race, as none of our neckbearded types have ever managed to procreate with anyone, much less advance an entire species as such. More specifically, I guess, the kisses ought to go to the Bearded Dragon females,…
